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Life is rude. It doesn’t care to pause because you’re hurting. It continues on, as it did with us. We returned home and attempted to find a new normal, as if we even had a definition of normal to begin with. I wrestled with why I was still grieving. Grandparents are supposed to go first. It’s expected. It’s normal. Then why was it so hard? I immersed myself in work and tried to get back to regular life, but as I’ve said before, emotions shoved under a figurative rug can be dangerous. They decide to show themselves at the most random times.

                My random time came at a routine dentist check near the end of January. I was told that I was going to have to have five fillings and braces and a bill that was way past what I could afford. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Darn dust bunnies. A normal person would have been severely bummed and asked about payment plan options. I started to do that, and I lost it. The tears I had been holding back came forth unbidden, and I began bawling and hyperventilating. I was emotionally out of control and no matter how embarrassed I was over my public display, there was nothing I could do to stop the flood.

                The dentist and his wife were shocked at my reaction to fillings. I’m sure they hadn’t had such a reaction from a patient before. I tried to assure them that it wasn’t the bill, it was just too much bad news within a few month span to handle, but I was too busy crying uncontrollably and gasping for breath.

                After a half hour, God mustered up some control for me, I apologized profusely to the staff, and left out the side door with head hung. I got into my car and started laughing at the whole experience. It was that or start crying again, and I had no more tears. That poor office. They must have thought I was a crazy person, but the crying jag had been cathartic in an embarrassing way. I went home, sat down with my money, and began crunching numbers with an extreme focus that I wouldn’t have been capable of before. God showed me once more that he was still in control, because somehow the numbers worked themselves out. And believe me when I say, there was no extra money in my budget before, but there was several hundred now. Just enough to pay for five fillings and braces. God wanted me to believe that he was still in the business of filling oil jugs, and he was still looking out for me despite whether I felt he was or not.